Existence: Between Nothing and Something.

Nope, it's not yet the time for my quarter life crisis... I think I'm a bit too young for that. Hence, remembering that I read a lot of books about existentialism, I start to ask, my own existence...

Living in my twenties makes me thinking, back into my first five years in my life. When people asked me, "Sayang mau jadi apa kalau sudah besar nanti?" in english, "What would you like to be when you grow up?"

Here's what I've been thinking right now: 
I'm taking a double degree program, I study communication. I work as a tarot reader. I have so much experience with people (that sounds like a CV okay- sorry). I saw a lot of people with diverse background, age, social status, lifestyle, etc. At the time I see myself on the mirror I ask myself just like those guys back then "Dytha, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?"

This leaves me hanging a while and thinking a lot... Damn, that is surely one hard question to answer. I read a lot of books and search some references, some days I just do nothing, some days it disturb me before I sleep... Then another question arrived...

"What makes me... me?" 
What is my purpose in this life? What is the essence of being me?
What is living? Am I living a life right now?
Or I just live like the rest human beings?
Or I'm here just to fulfil everyone's expectation? 
Or I'm here to make everyone happy?
If everyone else is happy, will I be happy?
Define happiness. 
Define life.
Define... me?
Who, am, I?

I can't find my meaning in this life, yet. Well I have some goals... But now that I have those, what would it be? Would it be worth it someday? Would it be useful? Does anyone even need that? Do I EVEN need that? What is my purpose here? 

What makes human a human?
What makes me, the one I am, right now?

I'm sure I'm not nothing... But not yet something.
I'm drowned 
In the rush of my existence 
Trying to reach to top and take a breath
But I'm trapped
Trapped in my own existence
Questioning life day by day
Swimming in the darkness
Searching for the meaning of life
I'm sure I'm not nothing
But not yet something

- Dytha Franciska C.

Jean-Paul Sartre

"L’existence précède l’essence"