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It's the journey that teaches you a lot about the destination

Existence: Between Nothing and Something.

9/26/2016

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Nope, it's not yet the time for my quarter life crisis... I think I'm a bit too young for that. Hence, remembering that I read a lot of books about existentialism, I start to ask, my own existence...

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Living in my twenties makes me thinking, back into my first five years in my life. When people asked me, "Sayang mau jadi apa kalau sudah besar nanti?" in english, "What would you like to be when you grow up?"

Here's what I've been thinking right now: 
I'm taking a double degree program, I study communication. I work as a tarot reader. I have so much experience with people (that sounds like a CV okay- sorry). I saw a lot of people with diverse background, age, social status, lifestyle, etc. At the time I see myself on the mirror I ask myself just like those guys back then "Dytha, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?"

This leaves me hanging a while and thinking a lot... Damn, that is surely one hard question to answer. I read a lot of books and search some references, some days I just do nothing, some days it disturb me before I sleep... Then another question arrived...

"What makes me... me?" 
What is my purpose in this life? What is the essence of being me?
What is living? Am I living a life right now?
Or I just live like the rest human beings?
Or I'm here just to fulfil everyone's expectation? 
Or I'm here to make everyone happy?
If everyone else is happy, will I be happy?
Define happiness. 
Define life.
Define... me?
Who, am, I?


I can't find my meaning in this life, yet. Well I have some goals... But now that I have those, what would it be? Would it be worth it someday? Would it be useful? Does anyone even need that? Do I EVEN need that? What is my purpose here? 

What makes human a human?
What makes me, the one I am, right now?

I'm sure I'm not nothing... But not yet something.
I'm drowned 
In the rush of my existence 
Trying to reach to top and take a breath
But I'm trapped
Trapped in my own existence
Questioning life day by day
Swimming in the darkness
Searching for the meaning of life

I'm sure I'm not nothing
But not yet something

- Dytha Franciska C.

Jean-Paul Sartre

"L’existence précède l’essence"

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Sometimes you start questioning about life...

9/25/2016

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Once you live all by yourself and you have plenty of time to think about about it (re: future), some thoughts will wander around here and there and they leave you hanging, in... insecurities

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Life is not that easy...
Well, life is not a dream: when it becomes nightmare, you can't wake up automatically.

My second year in Paris, France really makes me thinking a lot deeper. I have plenty of responsibilities that I need to take care of, I have some papers to work on, I have some laundry to do (I know, it's life), I have some letters to send and some thoughts to share.

Just recently, like one week after my arrival in Paris. I'm thinking about how I see myself being an adult. Well, right now I'm a master (and magister) student, I have nothing to laugh about. Sounds too serious though but it is! I mean like, for the next two years I will working my ass off and then I will search for a job. I mean, real job. I can say I'm independent when I'm in Indonesia, I can work all time I want and to be honest, well paid because I can decide how much I want to be paid as a Tarot Reader.

On the other hand, right now I'm not in my «home». I have a house (an apartment that I rent, for sure), but not that suitable to call home. I'm thinking how can I survive after I get my degrees. How will I survive? How will I make my own money in someone's country? Speaking a language that doesn't even my second language? 

Insecurities are the best things to blamed right now. I know. But I can't to plunge into it all the time. Hey, life goes on. Sounds so easy but try it... I don't know I should write it down here or not, but to be honest, I prefer to start writing more about my personal life because my followers seems to like it more (look at the short polling on the right side of this post). 

Well the thing is, I will try my best to become more and more independent and positive. I will write more, share more, help more. 
Life is not a dream: when it becomes nightmare, you can't wake up automatically.
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Paris might be my place to live, but Jakarta is definitely my home

9/12/2016

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A table for four person, Dad, Mom, Sis, and I
It is definitely the best graduation present that I can ask for

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29th July 2016, I took my flight back to Jakarta. Mixed feelings came out: happy, sad, excited, curious... But then again, I remember it's been almost half a year. I miss my dad, miss my mom and of course my big sister.

At the time I arrived, the humidity welcomes me. Gosh, I forgot how hot my hometown was. With all the wind, we still need air conditioner everywhere. Even inside the airport, the temperature disturbs me a bit. I took uber to drove me home, and guess what? It took me 3 hours to get me home, well not exactly home because my dad picked me up. I was so happy to meet him, after all these months.

One month and a half is surely fast. I didn't even notice how much I did for these few weeks. I met some new people, I met some old friends. I even tried to meet every single of my social circle, well obviously I couldn't make it, but at least I tried.

The best thing about this holiday is... My graduation. After 1 year studying abroad, in Paris, in Europe, finally I can transfer some subjects to fulfill the requirements to get my degree, bachelor degree. Well after took care of some things for the graduation ceremony, I finally got my degree Sarjana Humaniora, at 25th of August. It was really touching, well you see, I met my friends with the same year, and I was really happy that I could graduate with the same year with them. The next best thing on the list is when I had dinner with my family. Having a divorced parents in Indonesia isn't as easy as it seems, especially when it ended with a conflict. A table for four person, Dad, Mom, Sis, and I. It is definitely the best graduation present that I can ask for. 
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Another thing that makes me happy is... When I had a chance to meet my girls, I mean like seriously. They are the love of my life, the sprinkles to my cupcakes! My college and my junior high friends never let me down.

Also, my friends that I met in Paris. Some of them already returned to Indonesia for good. To continue their living, their work and so on. What a relief to see them again, grab some drinks and having small talks, or even big projects. My blessing is always with them, I hope we could grow together, even though separately, in our own direction to become a successful person in the future. 

I also spent much time to satisfy my tongue, Indonesian cuisine never disappoint me. Well this time I'm 10 times more careful. Last time I got back home in March, I got toxicated. I will share what I ate in my page.
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