Living in my twenties makes me thinking, back into my first five years in my life. When people asked me, "Sayang mau jadi apa kalau sudah besar nanti?" in english, "What would you like to be when you grow up?"

Here's what I've been thinking right now: 
I'm taking a double degree program, I study communication. I work as a tarot reader. I have so much experience with people (that sounds like a CV okay- sorry). I saw a lot of people with diverse background, age, social status, lifestyle, etc. At the time I see myself on the mirror I ask myself just like those guys back then "Dytha, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?"

This leaves me hanging a while and thinking a lot... Damn, that is surely one hard question to answer. I read a lot of books and search some references, some days I just do nothing, some days it disturb me before I sleep... Then another question arrived...

"What makes me... me?" 
What is my purpose in this life? What is the essence of being me?
What is living? Am I living a life right now?
Or I just live like the rest human beings?
Or I'm here just to fulfil everyone's expectation? 
Or I'm here to make everyone happy?
If everyone else is happy, will I be happy?
Define happiness. 
Define life.
Define... me?
Who, am, I?

I can't find my meaning in this life, yet. Well I have some goals... But now that I have those, what would it be? Would it be worth it someday? Would it be useful? Does anyone even need that? Do I EVEN need that? What is my purpose here? 

Life is not that easy...
Well, life is not a dream: when it becomes nightmare, you can't wake up automatically.

My second year in Paris, France really makes me thinking a lot deeper. I have plenty of responsibilities that I need to take care of, I have some papers to work on, I have some laundry to do (I know, it's life), I have some letters to send and some thoughts to share.

Just recently, like one week after my arrival in Paris. I'm thinking about how I see myself being an adult. Well, right now I'm a master (and magister) student, I have nothing to laugh about. Sounds too serious though but it is! I mean like, for the next two years I will working my ass off and then I will search for a job. I mean, real job. I can say I'm independent when I'm in Indonesia, I can work all time I want and to be honest, well paid because I can decide how much I want to be paid as a Tarot Reader.

On the other hand, right now I'm not in my «home». I have a house (an apartment that I rent, for sure), but not that suitable to call home. I'm thinking how can I survive after I get my degrees. How will I survive? How will I make my own money in someone's country? Speaking a language that doesn't even my second language? 

Insecurities are the best things to blamed right now. I know. But I can't to plunge into it all the time. Hey, life goes on. Sounds so easy but try it... I don't know I should write it down here or not, but to be honest, I prefer to start writing more about my personal life because my followers seems to like it more (look at the short polling on the right side of this post). 

Well the thing is, I will try my best to become more and more independent and positive. I will write more, share more, help more. 

Another thing that makes me happy is... When I had a chance to meet my girls, I mean like seriously. They are the love of my life, the sprinkles to my cupcakes! My college and my junior high friends never let me down.

Also, my friends that I met in Paris. Some of them already returned to Indonesia for good. To continue their living, their work and so on. What a relief to see them again, grab some drinks and having small talks, or even big projects. My blessing is always with them, I hope we could grow together, even though separately, in our own direction to become a successful person in the future. 

I also spent much time to satisfy my tongue, Indonesian cuisine never disappoint me. Well this time I'm 10 times more careful. Last time I got back home in March, I got toxicated. I will share what I ate in my page.